In 2011 I will continue my journey & forgive myself for believing that anyone that occupies the flesh form as a human being could in anyway alter the truth of my being. Once I've done that it will be easier to forgive anyone for anything & not hold them hostage for making human errors. Lord Give Me Strength. I must accept that wherever I find myself is exactly where I need to be in that particular moment. Even when I desperately want to be somewhere else. I battle with experiences & circumstances that enhance what I see as inadequacies & self-doubt. I am destined for greatness vs. I have no self worth. I will concentrate on accepting that I attract relationships into my life that I need or that need me at that moment. It is all part of my growth. It is hard but in the end I pray that my faith stays strong to the possibility there will be people waiting for the person that I am becoming.
MY PROCESS (a natural phenomena marked by gradual changes that lead toward a particular result) IS VERY IMPORTANT. People tend to not understand my process isn't about them it's about me. They do not see that I face so many challenges, obstacles, devastations, & difficulties & I learn what I can & cannot do. No matter what, they don't want to or don't know how to accept that I'm dealing with these issues the best that I can under the circumstances and with the information that I have at the moment. I've done it everyone else's way. I've pushed my whole being into a dark place that I must escape from. If I don't I will cease to exist. In order to remember who I am I must realize that life is a process of recognizing who I am not. I am finally learning to "HONOR MY PROCESS"....To Be Continued....
It's unfortunate that my good qualities outweigh my bad a million to one yet people focus on & remind me of my inadequacies a million times more than they tell me that I'm phenomenal. Ironically, those same people will stand at my home going & speak highly of me. They will spend more time telling of how amazing I am at my eulogy than they did while I were alive. The majority of the people I encounter measure my worth by the things I don't do perfectly rather than who I am. I feel valued when someone says I'm exactly what they need in their lives. However, I always feel like the more I contribute to their growth the more unappreciated I feel. I suppose in the end what is missing is "self-value". I've never had fulfilling long lasting relationships in any aspect of my life. Wow, saying that aloud has a bit of a fresh bee sting in the summtime feel to it. I have had fulfilling spurts of greatness. They are usually ripped away like the band aid that my Gran promised wouldn't hurt...Ouch Gran, you told me a fib!! I have even had long lasting unhealthy relationships. You know like the greasy burger you continue to enduldge on even though your cholesterol is high??....To Be Continued....
